Saturday, 13 April 2013

Don't You Realise Who I Am?

The diplomatic row between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell grew deeper tonight after talks between representatives of The Lord God Almighty and The Devil ended without agreement. Speaking after the meeting; God’s chief negotiator The Archangel Gabriel confirmed what many feared when he told waiting reporters…

“Despite our best efforts, the question of Margaret Thatcher’s immigration status remains unresolved. At this stage, there are no immediate plans for further talks, but the situation remains fluid, and both camps remain committed to finding a resolution to this unfortunate matter. In the meantime, Mrs Thatcher will remain in detention at Camp Limbo pending a decision”

Hopes had been high for a positive outcome to the talks, and when Jesus Christ suggested offering ‘Dual Citizenship’ to the Iron Lady; those hopes appeared well-founded. As part of the plan, Thatcher would have split her time in eternity between Heaven and Hell. The idea was scuppered though after The Lord God intervened and told his second-in-command the idea would…

“Make a mockery of Christianity's  entire reward/eternal damnation business-model which has served me well for centuries in a highly-competitive religious marketplace”

The same sentiment seems to be behind The Devils reluctance to allow entry, and despite Thatcher’s deeds and reputation on earth. His spokesman told us…

“Whilst we appreciate the idea put forward by Mr Christ was made in all good-faith, it is wholly unacceptable to expect us to allow entry to this woman even on a part-time basis. As the Kingdom of Heaven is well aware, we specialise in punishing residents who display particularly ‘challenging behaviour’ such as Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin-Laden, and when the time comes, Ant ‘n Dec. In this case we are aware that despite her many countless bad deeds; she was known to be reasonably nice to her husband Dennis from time-to-time, and always made sure house-plants were well watered, and as such is not eligible for citizenship"

A much needed way-out may be possible though for both kingdoms following an idea from The Buddha, who is believed to be offering the possibility of having Thatcher re-incarnated instead: as an unemployed miner in 1980’s County Durham. 

Some believe The Devils failure to keep up-to-date with modern torture techniques, and over-crowding may be the real reasons behind his refusal to accept Margaret Thatcher. 

Sunday, 31 March 2013

Church Even Less Use Than Chocolate Tea-Pot.

A Vatican translator  has been suspended after the English version of the Popes traditional ‘Urbi et Orbi’  Easter address, called for Cadbury’s to stop selling its crème eggs so early in the year, Snickers bars to be called Marathon again and a ban on Catholics eating Jelly Babies out of wedlock.

The rogue English version came after Pope Frances made impassioned but pointless calls for world peace in other languages and left the English speaking Catholics listening in St Peters square perplexed. Before news of the naughty translation emerged, The Archbishop of Westminster Cardinal Vincent Nicholls, added to the church’s embarrassment by immediately interpreting the Popes words as ‘allegory' and told his congregation that…

“When our Pontiff speaks of crème eggs, he speaks of course of Christ’s suffering on the cross when he saw the eggs being sold before he’d even popped-his-clogs; the Marathon bar is a call for a return to the original Mother Church and the Jelly babies is...ermm…right..we will now sing Hymn 231, “Oh Lord, oh Lord, you really are the dogs do-dahs and no mistake"

Mars, The Makers of Snickers, Have Said Changing The Name Is About As Likely As The Second-Coming.

Image "Snickers" Scott Ehardt CC public domain.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Don't Worry Lord - We Can Always Try Again Later

Christians around the world have had their faith rocked following the discovery of ancient texts in the former Palestine, which blow the entire Easter story sky-high.  The papyrus scrolls contain passages claiming that following the Crucifixion, Jesus had been unable to achieve a resurrection, leaving his followers feeling frustrated and cheated.

The texts appear to have been written by one of the followers of Jesus, Mary Magdalene. In the Bible story, it is Mary who first witnesses the Messiahs resurrection, leaving her filled with hope, expectation and instantly lifting her headache. The story continues that Mary rushes to tell the disciples the news of how the Lord had ‘risen' and that over the course of many hours, they all queued patiently to witness the miracle, implying that Jesus was capable of maintaining his resurrection for some time.

However, the texts tell a different story and one passage in particular has destroyed many Christian’s faith, hope and security-blanket…

….and verily, my Lord did boasteth that his death would frustrate me not and that soon he would transport me to heaven and maketh the earth move with a mighty resurrection and bringeth tears to my eyes. Upon his last breath, I did wait in high excitement and longing but to no avail. Seeing my lord still limpeth and lifeless upon the next dawn, I did feel sorely bereft and took myself to the Disciple Thomas, who had always exclaimed his doubt that the lord would achieve a resurrection and that if not, I should pop round and he would sorteth me out mightily….”

The Catholic Church has condemned Pfizer  the makers of Viagra, for claiming it guarantees 'entry to heaven' 

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Any Chance Of A New Ipad Mr God?

The Church of England has suspended a senior member of staff in its Media Centre, after they published the results of a survey commissioned by the Church itself, showing that many still believe in the power of prayer.  However, the staff member released the findings before church leaders had the chance to put some much needed ecclesiastical spin on the data. 

In the un-censored report, figures showed that whilst a staggering 85% of the population admitted resorting to prayer, the breakdown of reasons for praying was less welcome, with 43% of those surveyed praying for a lottery win, 22% for a painful death for their boss and 11% for a parking space.

Adding further to the Church’s blushes, another 12% cited seeking help in 'Getting off' with someone they fancied, 11% for the presenters of ITV’s ‘Loose Women’ to be wiped out by an asteroid strike and 1% for a Tory victory in the next election.

The Survey Overshadowed The Launch Of  A New Range Of Vestments For The Clergy, Intended To Project An Image That 'Better Reflects The Seriousness Of The Anglican Mission And Its Belief's'  According To Designer Stella McCartney.