Friday, 22 February 2013

BBC News - Vatican attacks Popes resignation "Gossip"
Dear God,

Further to our recent meeting, I write to confirm my resignation as Pope, to take affect from 28/2/13.
As stated in that meeting, whilst I understand your concern at the downturn in trade, I cannot agree with your strategy for growing the business. Threats of hell-fire, plagues of locusts and Jimmy Savilles' resurrection might have worked in bronze-age Palestine, but I feel such an approach now in the 21st century is short-sighted. Ever since Charles Darwin opened his first 'Common Sense' store in the 19th Century, you and I have seen a slow but steady decline in business. In more recent times, the opening of such stores as 'Richard Dawkins Ltd' or 'Professor Brian Cox's Emporium' have brought into sharp focus what an outdated business-model the Catholic Church has become and as such, I feel no longer able to fulfil my role as Chief Executive.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for giving me the post in the first place and wish you luck in finding a successor.

Yours Sincerely

Pope Ratzinger
PS. You are more than welcome to attend my leaving-do at Yate's Wine lodge in Peckham on the 28th.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Ratzinger in the job market.

God Almighty Ltd
1 Genesis House

Re: J Ratzinger/Poundland application

Dear Mr Mullard,
Thank you for your recent letter requesting a reference for the above-named, who held the position of ‘Pope’ at God Almighty Ltd from 2005-2013.

Punctuality & Reliability
Mr Ratzinger was required to work a 37.5hr week, including Sundays, with one day off for Blood Transfusions.  As Mr Ratzinger lived ‘above the shop’ so to speak, his time-keeping was exemplary.

At the time of writing, we are still awaiting the return of the following items. 
  •   Three sets of flowing robes.
  •   One Bible (Signed 1st edition)
  •   My Lady Gaga CD
  •    24ct Gold Papal Ring inscribed with the words “Pax Childus Sphincter Jimmus Savilleus
Sickness Record
During his employment, no days were lost due to sickness: This was mainly due to 24hr on-call Doctors, Nurses and being plugged into the mains.

Customer Service Skills
Providing Poundland customers do NOT include Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Homosexuals, AIDS victims, un-married couples, users of contraception, feminists, rationalists, child protection officers, Richard Dawkins or any descendants of Henry VIII – Excellent.

Yours Sincerely
PS: My Son wants to know if your selling Easter Eggs this year?