Sunday, 31 March 2013

Church Even Less Use Than Chocolate Tea-Pot.

A Vatican translator  has been suspended after the English version of the Popes traditional ‘Urbi et Orbi’  Easter address, called for Cadbury’s to stop selling its crème eggs so early in the year, Snickers bars to be called Marathon again and a ban on Catholics eating Jelly Babies out of wedlock.

The rogue English version came after Pope Frances made impassioned but pointless calls for world peace in other languages and left the English speaking Catholics listening in St Peters square perplexed. Before news of the naughty translation emerged, The Archbishop of Westminster Cardinal Vincent Nicholls, added to the church’s embarrassment by immediately interpreting the Popes words as ‘allegory' and told his congregation that…

“When our Pontiff speaks of crème eggs, he speaks of course of Christ’s suffering on the cross when he saw the eggs being sold before he’d even popped-his-clogs; the Marathon bar is a call for a return to the original Mother Church and the Jelly babies is...ermm…right..we will now sing Hymn 231, “Oh Lord, oh Lord, you really are the dogs do-dahs and no mistake"

Mars, The Makers of Snickers, Have Said Changing The Name Is About As Likely As The Second-Coming.

Image "Snickers" Scott Ehardt CC public domain.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Don't Worry Lord - We Can Always Try Again Later

Christians around the world have had their faith rocked following the discovery of ancient texts in the former Palestine, which blow the entire Easter story sky-high.  The papyrus scrolls contain passages claiming that following the Crucifixion, Jesus had been unable to achieve a resurrection, leaving his followers feeling frustrated and cheated.

The texts appear to have been written by one of the followers of Jesus, Mary Magdalene. In the Bible story, it is Mary who first witnesses the Messiahs resurrection, leaving her filled with hope, expectation and instantly lifting her headache. The story continues that Mary rushes to tell the disciples the news of how the Lord had ‘risen' and that over the course of many hours, they all queued patiently to witness the miracle, implying that Jesus was capable of maintaining his resurrection for some time.

However, the texts tell a different story and one passage in particular has destroyed many Christian’s faith, hope and security-blanket…

….and verily, my Lord did boasteth that his death would frustrate me not and that soon he would transport me to heaven and maketh the earth move with a mighty resurrection and bringeth tears to my eyes. Upon his last breath, I did wait in high excitement and longing but to no avail. Seeing my lord still limpeth and lifeless upon the next dawn, I did feel sorely bereft and took myself to the Disciple Thomas, who had always exclaimed his doubt that the lord would achieve a resurrection and that if not, I should pop round and he would sorteth me out mightily….”

The Catholic Church has condemned Pfizer  the makers of Viagra, for claiming it guarantees 'entry to heaven' 

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Any Chance Of A New Ipad Mr God?

The Church of England has suspended a senior member of staff in its Media Centre, after they published the results of a survey commissioned by the Church itself, showing that many still believe in the power of prayer.  However, the staff member released the findings before church leaders had the chance to put some much needed ecclesiastical spin on the data. 

In the un-censored report, figures showed that whilst a staggering 85% of the population admitted resorting to prayer, the breakdown of reasons for praying was less welcome, with 43% of those surveyed praying for a lottery win, 22% for a painful death for their boss and 11% for a parking space.

Adding further to the Church’s blushes, another 12% cited seeking help in 'Getting off' with someone they fancied, 11% for the presenters of ITV’s ‘Loose Women’ to be wiped out by an asteroid strike and 1% for a Tory victory in the next election.

The Survey Overshadowed The Launch Of  A New Range Of Vestments For The Clergy, Intended To Project An Image That 'Better Reflects The Seriousness Of The Anglican Mission And Its Belief's'  According To Designer Stella McCartney.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Pope Dines And Comes!

The Vatican was facing criticism last night, following Channel 4’s broadcast of an episode of ‘Celebrity Come Dine With Me’ featuring Pope Frances and his predecessor Pope Emeritus Benedict.  Last night’s edition showed the new Pope and two other contestants, arriving at Ratzinger’s modest 28 bedroomed apartment for a three-course dinner prepared by the ex-pontiff himself. 

The controversial decision to invite the broadcaster to make the show, is seen as further evidence of Pope Frances desire to ‘open up’ the Church and dispense with much of the Vatican’s pomp and formality.

Viewers watched Josef or “Ratty” as he informed guest he prefers to be called now, struggle to cook a three-course meal alone.  More used to an army of servants to cook for him, Ratty kept his guest waiting for over an hour before the starter but the delay left plenty of time for guests to have a good nose around Ratty’s apartment. Much hilarity ensued when Pope Frances found a signed copy of Richard Dawkins ‘The God Delusion’ on his bedside cabinet, posters of a teenage Cliff Richard on the wall and a novelty “Keep Calm and Carry on Denying”  mug.
After the meal and on the way home in their taxi’s, Pope Frances scored Ratty a ‘9’ and commented…

“Ratty made an excellent host, despite some of the catty remarks about my first Mass! Bitch! His starter of Melon balls on a bed of shredded documents was tasteless, but the main course of penis-pasta in a tomato sauce was a revelation! The pasta shapes in my mouth, gave me a strange feeling of  Déjá Vu for some reason”

Bachelor Cliff Richard Is Unlikely To Marry Despite His Love 
Of Being Taken Up The Aisle


Image CC 3.0 Allan Warren

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Gays Back In Closet Whilst Justin Picks New Frock.

Prominent Homosexuals from the world of entertainment were left angst-ridden and full of turmoil  today, following remarks made by the new Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby that he “still supported the Church of England’s formal opposition to homosexuality”. The comments were made as the Archbishop tried on long frocks in preparation for his formal enthronement at Canterbury Cathedral later today. Well known ‘friend of Dorothy’ Graham Norton, issued a statement through the BBC declaring

“I cannot in all sincerity, carry on camping it up for comic effect and live an openly gay lifestyle whilst that poor, poor  Archbishop continues to struggle with this issue. So, although an atheist myself, what this man thinks matters greatly to me, as it should to shirt-lifters everywhere”

The sentiment was echoed by infamous gay comedian Julian Clary, when announcing he was postponing the rest of his UK tour dates as a mark of respect for the Church leader’s position…

“Well campers, what can one say? The Arch-bish has spoken and I must listen, so until further notice, it’s out with the high-heels and eyeliner and on with the…the..erm…well, whatever it is you boys wear these days. Macaroon anyone?” 

 Leonardo Da Vinci's "God Spots A Bum Bandit"  Is Beleived To Be One Of The Archbishops Favourite Paintings.