Friday, 29 March 2013

Don't Worry Lord - We Can Always Try Again Later

Christians around the world have had their faith rocked following the discovery of ancient texts in the former Palestine, which blow the entire Easter story sky-high.  The papyrus scrolls contain passages claiming that following the Crucifixion, Jesus had been unable to achieve a resurrection, leaving his followers feeling frustrated and cheated.

The texts appear to have been written by one of the followers of Jesus, Mary Magdalene. In the Bible story, it is Mary who first witnesses the Messiahs resurrection, leaving her filled with hope, expectation and instantly lifting her headache. The story continues that Mary rushes to tell the disciples the news of how the Lord had ‘risen' and that over the course of many hours, they all queued patiently to witness the miracle, implying that Jesus was capable of maintaining his resurrection for some time.

However, the texts tell a different story and one passage in particular has destroyed many Christian’s faith, hope and security-blanket…

….and verily, my Lord did boasteth that his death would frustrate me not and that soon he would transport me to heaven and maketh the earth move with a mighty resurrection and bringeth tears to my eyes. Upon his last breath, I did wait in high excitement and longing but to no avail. Seeing my lord still limpeth and lifeless upon the next dawn, I did feel sorely bereft and took myself to the Disciple Thomas, who had always exclaimed his doubt that the lord would achieve a resurrection and that if not, I should pop round and he would sorteth me out mightily….”

The Catholic Church has condemned Pfizer  the makers of Viagra, for claiming it guarantees 'entry to heaven' 


  1. You are a very naughty boy! Go and wash your mouth out!

    David Amies

  2. ....but Mr Amies! I only report the news!

  3. The first commenter should have told you to wash your keyboard out. As I have to do now. BTW, you owe me a large coffee. The previous cup was in my hand when I began to read your post.

  4. Mr Linville,

    So sorry to hear of your keyboard & Coffee incident. However, I strongly suspect this simply a ruse you probably use with various satirical sites, in order to extract money/free coffee. That said, if you recommend this tripe to at least 20 friends, then I think buying you a coffee the next time your on the Isle of Wight is guaranteed; however, it must be on a Tuesday and you must be accompanied by an arthritic Donkey called Mabel

  5. Acolyte of Sagan30 March 2013 at 23:48

    I've got the donkey if you've got the ferry tickets, Alan L.

    Don't forget to put your clocks forward tonight. One hour for mainland Britain, fifty-six years for the IoW.

  6. tut! It's 51yrs actually Mr Sarky-Knickers!

  7. Is this an actual viable source? If so can I get it?