Saturday, 13 April 2013

Don't You Realise Who I Am?

The diplomatic row between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell grew deeper tonight after talks between representatives of The Lord God Almighty and The Devil ended without agreement. Speaking after the meeting; God’s chief negotiator The Archangel Gabriel confirmed what many feared when he told waiting reporters…

“Despite our best efforts, the question of Margaret Thatcher’s immigration status remains unresolved. At this stage, there are no immediate plans for further talks, but the situation remains fluid, and both camps remain committed to finding a resolution to this unfortunate matter. In the meantime, Mrs Thatcher will remain in detention at Camp Limbo pending a decision”

Hopes had been high for a positive outcome to the talks, and when Jesus Christ suggested offering ‘Dual Citizenship’ to the Iron Lady; those hopes appeared well-founded. As part of the plan, Thatcher would have split her time in eternity between Heaven and Hell. The idea was scuppered though after The Lord God intervened and told his second-in-command the idea would…

“Make a mockery of Christianity's  entire reward/eternal damnation business-model which has served me well for centuries in a highly-competitive religious marketplace”

The same sentiment seems to be behind The Devils reluctance to allow entry, and despite Thatcher’s deeds and reputation on earth. His spokesman told us…

“Whilst we appreciate the idea put forward by Mr Christ was made in all good-faith, it is wholly unacceptable to expect us to allow entry to this woman even on a part-time basis. As the Kingdom of Heaven is well aware, we specialise in punishing residents who display particularly ‘challenging behaviour’ such as Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin-Laden, and when the time comes, Ant ‘n Dec. In this case we are aware that despite her many countless bad deeds; she was known to be reasonably nice to her husband Dennis from time-to-time, and always made sure house-plants were well watered, and as such is not eligible for citizenship"

A much needed way-out may be possible though for both kingdoms following an idea from The Buddha, who is believed to be offering the possibility of having Thatcher re-incarnated instead: as an unemployed miner in 1980’s County Durham. 

Some believe The Devils failure to keep up-to-date with modern torture techniques, and over-crowding may be the real reasons behind his refusal to accept Margaret Thatcher. 

1 comment:

  1. Acolyte of Sagan15 April 2013 at 20:41

    Back in my teen years, I almost got a tattoo saying "Limbo Bound. God won't want me, the Devil's afraid I'll take over'.
    Good sense won over. I got a panther tattoo instead.